Scene: A dimly lit stage, with President Donald Trump standing at a podium adorned with stars and stripes. He squints into the crowd, trying to remember if he’s at a MAGA rally or a bake sale.
Trump: “Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, and ex-Tesla owners! Gather round for the most stupendous news since the invention of the technical offside! I, your humble Commander-in-Chief, Life Coach, and Tariff Bringer, have brought not one, but TWO grand sporting spectacles to America! Yes, indeed! The Olympics and—wait for it—the Great Soccer!”
(Cue the audience gasps and a chorus of “oohs” and “The what?”)
Trump: “Now, I know what you’re thinking: ‘What on earth is the Great Soccer?’ Well, it’s like the U know Who, that delightful pastime where you kick a ball around and pretend you’re not just waiting for more tax cuts! It’s like football, but with less tackling and more flailing about like a headless Democrat in a MAGA rally!”
(Chuck Schumer clucks in the background, clearly disapproving.)
Trump: “So there I was, in Des Moines—beautiful city, very nice, great corn—standing at this 'Salute to America' event. I thought to myself, ‘What a fantastic opportunity to pat myself on the back while forgetting the name of the Whatchamacallit!’ It’s like forgetting your own birthday at your Birthday Party!”
(He pauses dramatically as if waiting for applause that never comes. Instead, someone screams: It's called the World Cup, your Highness!)
Trump: “You see, folks, I got the Olympics! I got the Great Soccer! I’m like a kid in a candy store, except the candy is actually a bunch of athletes in very tight shorts and a short lease in life! And let me tell you, I have the best athletes—tremendous athletes! They can run and kick and fall over as if they’ve just been informed that the ICE agents are coming to town!”
(The audience chuckles nervously, unsure if they should laugh or cry.)
Trump: “Now, let’s address the elephant in the room—or should I say the giant inflatable soccer ball? Some people say I didn’t exactly secure these events. They say they were set in motion before I even stepped into the Oval Office. But I say, ‘Nonsense!’ I merely put on my special ‘Make Sports Great Again’ cap and poof! Instant sports events!”
(A voice from the back shouts, “Do you even know what day it is?”)
Trump: “Of course I do! It’s the day I got the You know Who and the Olympics! I could have gotten Canada, Gaza, and Greenland as well if it weren't for their stupid low-life criminal inhabitants, but still. Two out of five ain't bad! Can you imagine? Three Super Bowls a day for a month! That’s a lot of nachos, folks!”
(The audience erupts in laughter, some throwing imaginary nachos at the stage.)
Trump: “So, in conclusion, I may not recall the name of the Whatchamacallit, but I’ll never forget how to take credit for everything! Remember, it’s not just soccer; it’s the Great Soccer! And if you think about it, soccer is just like American football, only it is played with feet and not hands, and the ball bounces like a rabbit on a Trampoline! See, even that rhymes with my name!”
(He winks at the audience, who are now fully engaged, some even standing to applaud.)
Trump: “Thank you, thank you! Now, let’s get out there and enjoy the Great Dohickey!”
(Curtains close, and the sound of a single, confused cluck echoes in the background.)
(Chuck Schumer clucks in the background, clearly disapproving.)
Trump: “So there I was, in Des Moines—beautiful city, very nice, great corn—standing at this 'Salute to America' event. I thought to myself, ‘What a fantastic opportunity to pat myself on the back while forgetting the name of the Whatchamacallit!’ It’s like forgetting your own birthday at your Birthday Party!”
(He pauses dramatically as if waiting for applause that never comes. Instead, someone screams: It's called the World Cup, your Highness!)
Trump: “You see, folks, I got the Olympics! I got the Great Soccer! I’m like a kid in a candy store, except the candy is actually a bunch of athletes in very tight shorts and a short lease in life! And let me tell you, I have the best athletes—tremendous athletes! They can run and kick and fall over as if they’ve just been informed that the ICE agents are coming to town!”
(The audience chuckles nervously, unsure if they should laugh or cry.)
Trump: “Now, let’s address the elephant in the room—or should I say the giant inflatable soccer ball? Some people say I didn’t exactly secure these events. They say they were set in motion before I even stepped into the Oval Office. But I say, ‘Nonsense!’ I merely put on my special ‘Make Sports Great Again’ cap and poof! Instant sports events!”
(A voice from the back shouts, “Do you even know what day it is?”)
Trump: “Of course I do! It’s the day I got the You know Who and the Olympics! I could have gotten Canada, Gaza, and Greenland as well if it weren't for their stupid low-life criminal inhabitants, but still. Two out of five ain't bad! Can you imagine? Three Super Bowls a day for a month! That’s a lot of nachos, folks!”
(The audience erupts in laughter, some throwing imaginary nachos at the stage.)
Trump: “So, in conclusion, I may not recall the name of the Whatchamacallit, but I’ll never forget how to take credit for everything! Remember, it’s not just soccer; it’s the Great Soccer! And if you think about it, soccer is just like American football, only it is played with feet and not hands, and the ball bounces like a rabbit on a Trampoline! See, even that rhymes with my name!”
(He winks at the audience, who are now fully engaged, some even standing to applaud.)
Trump: “Thank you, thank you! Now, let’s get out there and enjoy the Great Dohickey!”
(Curtains close, and the sound of a single, confused cluck echoes in the background.)
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