The Arch, the Snipers and the Chipmunks

By Yiannis Damellos

A Satire is not always funny

Picture: Mitch Jackson LinkedIn

September 20, 2026

What makes a high-IQ president a GOAT? A Triumphant Arch. And what makes a dumb president look even dumber? A new military installation on top of the Arch, in the middle of your capital city. I guess if you want to build something outrageously ridiculous, you can always let Trump build it, put his name somewhere to remind us of our national sins, stick a sniper on the roof to check for incoming pigeons and squeaky chipmunks, and call the whole thing a Fortress.

The latest revelation is that Trump's proposed 250-foot triumphal arch in Washington will no longer be merely a gigantic monument to Donald Trump, American greatness, or whatever happens to be trending in his head that morning. No. It is now going to be a “top-grade Military Complex,” capable of housing large numbers of drones, snipers, and quantities of sniper ammunition. Apparently, somewhere between the architectural drawings and the lawsuit, the arch enlisted. And was approved after Hegseth gave it a testosterone test.

Nobody seems to know exactly what military problem this extraordinary structure is supposed to solve, so this new idea could also enlist as a distraction. The Pentagon isn't explaining it. The revised concept was not part of the designs reviewed by the federal architectural agencies. More importantly, the public hasn't seen the revised concept yet. And the administration has not identified an enemy, other than “Chip 'n' Dale,” that requires a 250-foot concrete monument sitting beside Arlington National Cemetery to be defended against. Unless Trump is scared that Doctor Octopus will climb out of his lab in the Hudson River, travel to Washington, D.C., to claim the Monument and turn it into his Lair.

But let us not underestimate his strategic genius here. The United States has aircraft carriers, submarines, satellites, missile-defense systems, drones, fighter aircraft, and an intelligence apparatus capable of finding a camel in the Sahara wearing a fake mustache. Yet apparently what Washington has been missing all these years is a giant arch with a sniper on top of it looking for unwanted visitors.

And what's this thing with the unwanted visitors? Am I an unwanted visitor? Are you an unwanted visitor? Who are these guys anyway?

Perhaps the threat is the Chipmunks.

One can imagine the Kash Patel briefing requests now: “Mr. President, we've analyzed the situation carefully, and it's not the Russians, the Chinese, Iran, North Korea, or the Cubans. Sir, the real threat is coming from a highly mobile migrant chipmunk population operating around the Potomac, organised in Haitian-style gangs of four and terrorizing the city streets, eating stray cats and attacking the tourists who come to see you. Apparently, the whole country is ravaged by these gangs, so to begin with, we need a federal strategy. The migrant chipmunks were identified as the same illegal rodents who vandalised the Reflecting Pool, Sir. There is a clear and present danger to the Capital and the nation as well. Pete Hegseth fully agrees with my assessment. So, we urgently request an observation deck on top of the Arch. We also have scanned the sniper market for the best man, and we found him. His name is Duck. Donald Duck. You share the same first name, Sir. This is no coincidence.”

“Hell, yeah!” screamed Hegseth. “I love this guy.”

This is exactly the lingo that can make a dumb man dumber. Speaking with Johnnie Walker.

And the more serious absurdity is that this is not entirely new. Behind it is the old Trump-proposed White House ballroom ploy, which also acquired a national-security rationale after the White House Ballroom project encountered legal challenges. And in August, the observation deck on the arch quietly began appearing in National Park Service language as a “military observation deck” rather than a tourist facility. The terminology changed before the public was given a new design. The arch apparently went to military school without telling anyone. Not even the chipmunks and the Cubans.

There is an obvious practical question here. If Washington genuinely needs a military observation post capable of operating drones and stationing armed personnel, why does it need to be disguised as a triumphal arch? And if the country genuinely needs a triumphal arch, why does it suddenly need ammunition storage in a busy traffic circle beside Arlington Cemetery? Combining the two does not make either proposition more convincing. It merely produces something that sounds like the world's first military souvenir shop. It also makes you wonder why build an armory right now, in the capital, just before the elections? And why so secretive? How did a tourist/monumental arch become a military complex without the public seeing the military plan?

There is also the small matter of history. The National Park Service has already concluded that the structure would have adverse effects on numerous historic properties and would disrupt the visual continuity of some of America's most important monuments. Veterans have challenged its location. The revised military concept apparently introduces yet another concern: what happens when you put potentially significant quantities of ammunition in the middle of one of Washington's busiest ceremonial landscapes? Maybe J.D. has an answer.

But perhaps this is the genius of Trumpism: when confronted by a legal obstacle, don't change the project. Change the noun. In his presidency, a ballroom may become a military facility. A tourist observation deck, a military observation deck. A triumphal arch, a military complex. And if that doesn't work, perhaps the gift shop can become a forward operating base. My country is a gift shop. It has become an outpost. But there is war all around it. In Washington, nobody has identified a threat requiring this arch to become a military complex. The Canadians? Could it be the Canadians? No way. There are no Canadian tourists anywhere in the US anymore. Must be the chipmunks.

And, by the way, there is something almost perfectly Trumpian about it, as the monument is supposed to symbolize American power in the 21st century, but now is being retrofitted with a military justification that nobody has publicly explained, to save “the world's greatest democracy” from a swarm of ferocious migrant chipmunks.